I noticed an old lady in a wheelchair come into work the other day. As her carer pushed her around the store I couldn't help but watch her. She wasn't interested in the product or what was around her. Shopping was just something to do to fill the time. As she left I got to thinking.
At her age does she still have any hope? Is there something she still dreams of or desires? Is it ever to late? Or does she just wait for her days to be over now that she knows that day is close?
I thought about myself and how at my age I have already given up hope when I thought that hope would never fade. Life can scar you. So much so that when you put up a force field to protect yourself you forget to bring it down.
I am not old and I do not have death sitting nearby breathing in my ear. Yet I realised looking at that old lady that I may as well have been her.
When I watch a movie where the girl gets the guy I no longer think that will be me. When I see the guy chase after the girl I am happy for them but I do not think that will ever be me being chased.
I now watch life from afar where other people get to have a life with someone and I smile in the corner no longer even thinking that will be me.
I watched The Bridges of Madison County again the other day and I wondered what was better, to have loved and lost or to have never have loved at all? Or worse still to settle or stay because change is too hard. I still don't know the answer.
There was one line that stuck with me when Clint Eastwood's character said, "This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime."
I have had that certainty but what's interesting is when you have had that certainty it is still not enough. We still let it go.
And with it the hope that you thought was on endless supply.