Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Tell Tale Heart

This week as Oprah got the low down on Lance and his cheating ways, I also managed to have an almost identical experience (well minus Oprah, her Hawaiian living room and a clipboard containing 112 questions).
You see I had an old mate (read: can't quite place this person) come into town and we decided to catch up.
I figured it would be a night of banter and booze.
I also hoped to be back in my pyjamas around 9pm if I could talk fast enough and fill her in on the last fifteen years with a simple..."Yep still single, never been married, no kids and all I care about is horror movies, pizza and slumber parties. So basically I am EXACTLY the same as high school and oh that the time?!"
Yet, like most of my plans,  nothing went according to how I wanted it to.
I should have been tipped off that something was up when she started to down red wine like it was an ice cream sundae (maybe a bad reference if you don't like ice cream sundaes but I do and I inhale those suckers like they are...well like my mate was drinking her red wine).
Our entrees were placed on the table and this was my cue to eat (and vague out momentarily) yet my mate decided this was her cue to grab both of my hands and crush my knife and fork into them in the process.
"Paula...I can't possibly eat a thing until I get this off my chest (imagine Jennifer Coolidge playing this scene because this is what it was like) I have been keeping it from you since high school and it is just EATING ME UP!" She was starting to screech slightly and all her talk of eating was making me hungry.
I also realised if she didn't let go of my hands I would be the sequel to Edward Scissorhands but with kitchen utensils.
So I yanked myself free, kissed my night of pyjamas goodbye and asked her to explain her misery.
"Do you remember that camp we went to in Grade 9 and I was in the cabin next to yours?"
"Um...sure." (Remembered the camp but not where her bed was in relation to mine.)
"So you know how I had that HUGE crush on James*?"
*May or may not be his real name (it's not).
"No I didn't actually. I knew that I had a HUGE crush on him and so did every other person in the school."
(This last bit was a fact. Everyone knew about my crush after I requested George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" at a school disco and then proceed to ask him to dance. I really wasn't thinking!)
"Yeah well, I also had a crush on him and when we all went on the bush walk that day I asked him if he liked me."
"Nice one. What did he say?"
"He said he liked you."
"" If only my fifteen year old self had known that then.
"So of course I was jealous and I didn't want you guys to hook up, so I...well...I..." She was ice cream sundaeing her wine again.
I suddenly twigged.
"OH MY GOD that was you?!"
"Yes and I am sorry."
My brain went through the archives as I tried to remember the night that I was attacked and left emotionally and physically scarred. (Well maybe not physically...or even emotionally.)
What happened?
Let's just say it was like a scene from Stand By Me where Wil Wheaton looks down into his pants and faints. Only I didn't faint and I hadn't crossed a river.
Instead, I woke up in the morning and I had leeches ALL over me! Yes, my "old friend" had decided to cover me in the blood suckers. Needless to say no one came near me for the rest of the camp (including my crush, who liked me but then probably didn't) and I was called the "Leechy Lepper."
Sounds horrible right?
I thought it was the coolest thing ever and felt like I was in a horror movie. I didn't want the teachers to take them off. I thought I looked awesome.
"So can you forgive me?"
"No, that is totally unforgivable and the only thing you can do to make it up to me is to go next door to the bottle shop and buy me the most expensive bottle of red they have. Of course after you buy me dinner."
So soon after, I was in my pyjamas after all, watching Stand By Me and drinking my three hundred dollar bottle of red wine out of a coffee cup.
See told you it was just like the Oprah interview with Lance.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Crushing it.

Whilst waiting in line for a bus to Sydney recently, I noticed a guy behind me that was really cute. I hoped he would sit near me so I could perv on him for the three hours the trip took.
Sure enough he did, in the seat in front of me.
As he sat down, he gave me a smile and I smiled back. Of course I was eating something at the time and knew it was all over my teeth. No matter.
This was a new year and such trivial nonsense could be overlooked.
As the bus took off, I looked at the back of his head and neck as he leaned against the window. I imagined us striking up a conversation, falling madly in love and going off to Bali where (in this fantasy) I looked amazing in a bikini.
No doubt about it, another "Paula crush" was in full force.
That was until mid way through the trip when he started picking at his ear wax and then I noticed he was eating it.
Let's just say I am not going to Bali anytime soon.
So it got me to thinking, no not about ear wax (although I did try a bit and didn't see the appeal) but about crushes and how easily I seem to have them.
I did a bit of googling on the matter and found that due to chemical triggers (don't ask me to name any, do your own googling) when you have a crush it is like taking drugs, giving you your own natural high.
I wondered if google had in fact confused crushes for pizza, which has a similar effect on me.
As quickly as I have a crush (or eat a pizza) the crush is just as quickly over - ear wax does not always need to be an issue for me to sway. I guess I am always looking for my next "high".
For me I think crushes are good things.
You see, I very rarely act on them (translate: go in for the pash even if I haven't spoken to the guy yet) and in turn life is good, because I don't embarrass myself with whatever crap it is that I inevitably end up doing when I like someone (translate: falling down the stairs because I thought there was a chair there when I went to sit down and not only did he see but all of his mates did too and to top it off my dress ends up over my head and I have my Wonder Woman Halloween costume on underneath because it makes me feel powerful).
So you can see why I love crushes so much, because none of those crazy things would happen if I only had a crush on someone because, like I said, I never act on them and instead just silently buzz on all the  chemicals running through my veins.
Okay I lied.
I am completely psychotic all of the time.