Monday, April 16, 2012

Flirting Twitter style

So last night I tweeted about my ass. A fairly stock standard tweet for me. Talking about my ass having a life of its' own is like me talking about pyjamas and pizza and Adrien Brody: obsessive.
So little did I know that my ass would attract not just one but many new followers and then an unexpected request. It's there on public display for all the world to see.
One no longer needs to fill out forms on eHarmony and have a match and flirt in private. Oh no. All you need to do is read my Twitter intro and it must be love. That and we can openly talk about my ass. Not that you can see my ass on Twitter mind you.
(And yes my ass is slightly chuffed about all the attention, so much so I had a request for a trailer today.)
So my tweet last night was:
If I had to do "the twirl" for best dressed at the Logies my dress would go one way and my ass would go the other. 
To which I had the reply:
 I think you ass is quite nice, I'd love to see you do a "twirl" ;)
So I politely replied:
Cheers! My ass will be stoked! :)
And then came the tweet that my ass had been waiting for:
 My pleasure, perhaps I could take you & your nice ass out for a beer, and a pizza sometime ?
So while my ass is busy flirting and looking for Vera Wang dresses online, I am busy wondering what the hell do you do next?
I mean can you really take someone seriously when part of their Twitter handle is Shagger?
Although he did offer me beer AND pizza.
Should I maybe check if he likes horror movies? Pyjamas? Adrien Brody?
Too much?
And the big question is how does he know what my ass looks like? Do I know him?
Or maybe my ass is posting those pictures again.
Damn thought I'd removed all of them.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Taking Over

Given that Paula has been MIA from her blog for so long I figured it was time to take over and be her guest blogger. It is not the first time I have taken over her life and there is no question it won't be my last.
No doubt Paula will be mad I have "appeared" again. She always has her cranky panties on when I come to visit.
You see what Paula doesn't realise is that I am always watching. Yet I have a problem of not being able to see properly. So when something super exciting (or even mildly interesting - I am not actually fussy) happens I make an appearance to get a front row seat to all the action.
Personally I think there could be more action. Paula has a decent set of jugs yet she has no idea how to use them. She needs to watch The Bachelor more, then she would realise that taking your bra off actually gets you the rose. I mean seriously do I have to teach her everything.
Now Paula and I have not always had a good relationship. I first met her when she was around 13 years old. Honestly she had no idea (still doesn't). Her favourite thing was horses and she wanted to be an actress. I don't think she had a crush on a guy until she was 15 and I am pretty sure that crush was Michael J Fox and not even a real guy. I mean not that things have changed given all she talks about is Adrien Brody. Honestly she needs to get her jugs out and maybe she could talk about someone other than a celebrity.
When we first met we had a fight. It was in the bathroom at high school. It was her first day of school. She saw me. She screamed. I saw her. I screamed. I didn't at that stage understand why we were screaming but it seemed like the right thing to do.
She never seemed happy to see me. Yet she never understood, I couldn't see properly so only appeared when something cool was going on.
First day of school. First kiss (boy did that take a long time to happen). First audition. When she meets Adrien Brody I will be there. When she gets married I will be there. Hell, if she just meets someone and likes him I will make an appearance (like I said I am not fussy).
She will do what she normally does when I come to visit and have a bloody crisis (is it just me or is she always having some crisis or another?)
Unlike Paula I have dated and am now married and have many children. This has driven her to further craziness because my family seems to be multiplying while she stays the poster child for the song "All By Myself."
I know she thought I would disappear when she was an adult but she is so far off base she doesn't even get to first base. You see I am still hanging around until she meets someone - I know she would say it will be Adrien Brody but at least I am a true friend and know differently - so until then I will be here.
Crap I can hear her cranky panties being put on. She is mad I am back. She is looking at me in the mirror and starting to squeeze.
Given that she is not getting any tonight little does she know I am blind and will haunt her all week. I don't need to appear right now.
Had she got her jugs out I might have made a more pus like appearance and be gone before she knew it...although the kids would have wanted a look-see and may have stayed and played a while.
Anyway, now that we are friends next time you see me and the family say hi. I will be on Paula's chin and she will be trying to cover me up with concealer - she is such a bitch sometimes.
I may or may not try and flirt with what is on your chin. If you have nothing on your chin you are boring just remember that. Not zits, no life.
If you do see me and the family it probably means Paula likes you and wants to pash you.
Just saying.
Pimple out.