Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Date 2 - Armageddon

Okay so before you get settled into the saga that is my life, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that this post is in fact a sequel to the post below. So be a dear and read that first (unless you are awesome and have done so already, which means you actually read my blog and for that I am very sorry or I am in love with you. You decide.)
So here we are.
(Look if you skipped the first paragraph because you are lazy then bloody well read it would you!)
Before you accuse me of being insane for going through this again I would like to say that it was all peer pressure and yes Mum I would jump off a cliff because I am part lemming on Dad's side.
So let me catch you up. Wait I have already done that. Twice.
So I agreed to meet Gary* again and not to be fooled, like last time, I was ready for this date. I got a facial, waxed appropriate areas, considered a fake tan and then unconsidered and even washed my hair. I was ready! I also put on some clothes, which is always handy in public.
This date was to be in daylight and whilst you might think that just coffee would be more appropriate, I happened to think that straight vodka may work better. So back to the same pub we went.
I walked in and the whole place looked at me. Yes I was looking sharp.
At this stage I should let you in on a little secret. You see all that waxing and almost tanning was quite frankly because it needed doing and had nothing to do with this date.
Prep that did go into this date was pulling out all of my make-up from high school and choosing my best shade of blue eyeliner and pink eyeshadow and laying it on. Heavily. My lipstick that started out green and turned blue when applied finished the look and I noticed complimented my left elbow quite nicely.
I then crimped my hair, did a side pony tail and put on...well just jeans and a t-shirt (nothing from high school fit).
So what did Gary do when I sat down? He smiled and then a small bit of drool came out of the corner of his mouth.
"Oh Paula! You look amazing! How did you know I love Tiffany? Honestly how good was her song "I Saw Him Standing There?!"
Once again this guy, now formally Gary, had floored me.
"Yes, I love Tiffany too." Truth is that I do and was just a little bit chuffed that I now resembled her. (Google if need be for reference. Done? We progress.)
"So Paula after our last meeting I have to say I have not been able to stop thinking about you. You are definitely one of a kind and now...this..." He touched my crimped hair and I wondered if maybe I should have told someone about our second meeting time and location.
"Yes well, I too have been thinking about you quite a lot but I have a feeling that it may not be for the same reasons."
"Oh Paula, there you go again with your witty repartee. You really are something special."
I could feel my pink eyeshadow moving over into my frown lines as I looked at Gary with worry.
"Well Gary given that this is now our second date and I feel like things are moving really well for us, I think the time has come for me to ask you some questions to see if you are my perfect match. So hope you are up for it."
"Paula I think that anything less would be a crime." (Umm...okay.)
Did I mention when I walked in I bought six straight vodkas and was now up to my fifth? No. Well now you know, so stop feeling so neglected.
I needed them for what was to come. You see I was prepared this time!
I opened up my list and began.
"So Gary you are in a snow storm..."
"Paula I am going to stop you right there. Are you sure there is a storm already? I mean don't I mention the storm if that is what I feel?"
"Gary I am going to stop you right there. These are questions that I am pulling out of my ass and means absolutely nothing whatsoever to anything. So should I continue?"
There was a momentary flash of confusion and then it was gone. "You must go on Paula. It is our destiny that you go on."
I was not to be deterred by this hiccup to my plan so I continued.
"So you are in a SNOW STORM and you see Yoda and Luke and they are cutting open one of those creatures from the Empire Strikes Back to live in and maybe start a family and then you see a slip 'n slide and must decide if A. You are allergic to belly buttons or B. Choose bachelor #2."
"So I must choose between A or B, is that the test?"
"No there is also a C but the only way to know C is to never speak to me again."
He thinks. He ponders. A few people take photos of me and I smile to be polite.
"So what happens if I pick the wrong one?"
"Then we can't see each other anymore."
"Oh, then I pick none of them. I don't like this test. I don't even know if it is a real test."
"Then you lose Gary."
"Wait! Let me hear the options again. I can get this right."
"I am sorry Gary but the correct answer was D."
"Yes D is for drunk and that is me. If I stay any longer I may just find you attractive and no doubt when I blog about you all my friends will cheer and want me to see you again and bloody hell there may even be an E, which is we are perfect for each other and I don't wanna!"
No really. I don't wanna. So don't make me.

(*I thought Gary would be a good name because his name is actually Gary)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Just like Ted Bundy

So because I am a producer I often get people sending me scripts or pitching me projects. Everyone has a good idea but just needs someone to do all the hard work and make it happen (producer).
So when a friend of a friend wanted me to meet their mate to discuss a potential project I didn't say no because my friend is a good one and it involved free beer, so I was in.
So I arrive at the pub and the guy I am meeting was already there. As he stands to say hello I notice he is shorter than me (which is fine by me as I love South American men and they are always short), he looks like he could be a cast member on The Big Bang Theory and looks through me like he can see my underwear (I am pretty sure there was no lace bras and there may or may not have been a sparkly inscription on my ass that said JUICY).
So after waiting for him to buy the beer, which he had promised, and none was forthcoming I decided to go and get us a jug to share. I then started my small talk before I planned to launch into what his project was about and then make a quick exit and go and make love to my pyjamas.
Only none of my "usual" forms of engagement were working. As the first thing he says is:
"So thanks for meeting me on this date. I am really surprised you were interested in meeting me, even after seeing my photo."
I took a huge gulp of beer, tried to get my thoughts together and before I could say, I think maybe I am in an alternate universe where this isn't happening, he is off again.
"So I managed to get who you are and what you are about from your friend ***** (I will not mention my friend's name as I now have a hit out on them and I do not want this blog to be put into evidence) and **** said that you are well and truly single and may even be a bit desperate. So this is where I come in as I am also a bit desperate."
By now I am nodding because I am in shock and have drunk not only my glass that was full of beer but the glass that I poured after that.
"I think maybe there is some confusion because yes I am desperate but usually that desperation is for pizza and not men. After all pizza is far more satisfying than men." I laugh, not just because I may be a tad drunk but because I am also quite funny.
He does not laugh but looks at me like I am in an Attenborough doco.
So I continue, "I thought we were meeting about a project you were developing, not for a date. I think there may be some confusion."
"I saw your photo on my friend's Facebook and thought we should connect. It was my idea to make it a business meeting as I thought maybe a date might freak you out."
"How kind of you and yes I am a tad freaked out."
"So Paula I only have a few questions for you and then I can ascertain if in fact we can move on in this relationship."
Yes I should have left but there was beer left and I love questions and hoped it would be like a trivia night and there would be more beer if I "won".
"So you are walking through a desert and you come across a cube. What does this cube look like and please be specific."
I must admit I thought of a Rubik Cube but I had a feeling this may have been the correct answer so I said, "I see a cube that is made of pizza. It is margarita pizza and there are holes everywhere from where I have been snacking due to me being in a desert and for sure I am hungry."
His face gives me nothing.
"So now there is a ladder. What does it look like and where is it?"
"Well when I think of ladder I think of Jack and the Beanstalk and how that must have been the coolest and biggest ladder ever. I think my ladder is going through my cube for extra support. Actually can I have two ladders as the Magic Faraway Tree was also like a ladder and there was magical lands when you climbed it and of course there was Moon Face. Gotta love Moon Face."
He ponders this and proceeds but not before I grab his beer that he is clearly not going to drink and I need more than him.
"So there is a horse..."
I cut him off. "I LOVE horses!"
"Yes okay Paula but please give a serious answer."
I am now officially drunk and can't quite see him properly but the idea of horses makes me happy and I don't want to stuff this answer up because it is about horses.
"There is a horse in the desert now, so please tell me what it looks like."
"Oh that is easy. If it is in the desert then it is the Black Stallion and I am the boy from the Black Stallion and I ride him bare back, the horse not the boy. The Black Stallion only loves me and won't let anyone else but me on him."
"Okay Paula, that is great. There is two more questions about storms and flowers but I don't think I need to ask you anymore."
"That's good because flowers are a tad boring and storms are only good if you are living in a house with a tin shed. So did I pass?" I say (slur).
"You don't pass this test Paula but it does tell me a lot about you. You see the cube represents you, the ladder represents your friends and the horse represents your ideal partner. You are a very intriguing person Paula and I am not quite clear what your answers mean or if in fact we are right for each other."
I have to say I feel a tad disappointed I have not won more beer.
"So now I have to leave you while I decide if we should meet again and maybe mate."
As he leaves I wonder if he did actually say "mate" or I have drunk too much beer.
So the next day I get a text message that reads:
Dear Paula. Thank u 4 our date. It was most interesting. Upon reflection and with professional council I have decided u r either a serial killer or my perfect match. I happen to think u r my perfect match and will meet u again at arranged time to follow.
For the first time in my life I decided that being a serial killer wouldn't be so bad and so I will now be killing kittens in my spare time.
The alternative is a lot more daunting.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

What not to do.

Currently on the TV is Sleepless in Seattle where it is New Years Eve which reminds me that I must tell you all about my New Years and how not to be me when you grow up.
No seriously give my blog to your daughters instead of Judy Blume and say to them: be any kind of girl, just not Paula.
Before I get to New Years though I want to ask the blogging cosmos why over the festive season there are so many commercials on internet dating? Is it to remind us that we are alone and if you just jump out of a locker or knock over some paint the man of your dreams will fall in love with you?
Look I tried the knocking over the paint thing today with a street artist (he was cute too) and the guy didn't ask me for my phone number only looked like he was going to punch me in the face. I hung around for a little bit hoping he was a fan of Jackson Pollock and would think I was his muse, instead he threw some green paint at me and asked me to f**k off. Some would say that meant he liked me, I would say that may be true; what is true is that the green paint in my hair brings out my eyes.
So New Years. A single frenzy to be sure. Get drunk, have a good pash - because you can! If any night was made for us single girls it is this one.
So let me tell you what this single girl did.
For starters, I could have gone to the party where the boy that I like (and no he doesn't like me so don't get your hopes up) was and so at the very least I could have used New Years to liquor up, be miraculously by his side and then BAM! we are pashing at midnight. I couldn't have planned it any better unless of course we are talking about reality and not just a fantasy in my head.
I had one of my old high school crushes in town and he was going to the party too. We drank lots of beer, it was hot, I suddenly felt very old and when I should have been getting frocked up and fabulous I made up my mind to pike (not puke people - pike).
My high school crush thought I was ridiculous (and he is right, I was) so to prove I wasn't ridiculous I did what any girl would do and all sweaty and in my trackies I caught the tram and then walked him to the party. That's right ALL the way to the door of the party and then left.
Yes it is true, I am a moron. Any self respecting girl would have looked like a slut, had their girls out and been ready for any word that night except for "no" (or even "na" or "I don't want to").
But no, being the Paula that you have all come to love and scream at I left without so much as a hello to the boy that I like.
So at midnight I was on the tram going home. The tram driver dung the bell for me a couple of times - when I say me it was because I was the only person on the tram - and said "It is New Years now."
"Cheers," I said.
I half pie thought about asking the tram driving for a pash but that came and went, along with my sanity (that may or may not have gone a long time ago).
So the next day I found out that not only was I not brave enough to even say hello to the man I like BUT the party was filled with horror movie filmmakers. I mean seriously...
So New Years Resolutions go like this:

  • Eat more pizza - it is my true friend.
  • Only love Adrien Brody. 
  • I need more self help books.
  • Never leave the house again.