Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Get thee to a Nunnery

So went and had my bimonthly therapy session yesterday. Therapy = Tarot Card reading.
Cheaper and more fun than real therapy and I get to hear about my future. Therapy = Awesome.
Session started with palm reading and although my hands are very small they are apparently a palm readers nightmare. Given I am both a Water and Fire hand, it makes for lots of internal dramas and conflicts. Now this I already knew.
Wonder if I chop my hand off if everything will right itself in my life? At least I now have something to blame my erratic behaviour on. "Talk to the hand" takes on a whole new meaning now.
Got to tarot reading and as much as we tried we couldn't find a man in my path. Suddenly had visions of me and lots of cats. The good news is that career is about to sky rocket and apparently I will be surrounded my millions of dollars soon and be winning awards. I asked if Adrien Brody was presenting any of those awards, so would have an excuse to pash him, but just got blank stare. I don't think there is a tarot card that represents Adrien Brody.
The only way success will be forthcoming is by not engaging in any romantic activities for at least a year! Then out of the blue will come my Prince (Adrien Brody) and all will be right with the world. Although figure if I have millions of dollars quite a few Princes will appear out of the blue, but having said that could pay Adrien Brody to be my boyfriend with millions. That wouldn't be weird would it? If it is then "talk to the hand".
Now just have to find a chastity belt for next twelve months. Figure eBay is best bet.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Doing Nothing

Don't you hate it when you aren't in control? When you feel like you have lost all the power in a situation and you have no way of gaining it back?
Clearly that is how I am feeling because I am talking about it today (and we all know how selfish I am when it comes to blog topics!)
So here's the deal. I like to be in control of everything. I like making a plan and then making it happen. I don't talk: I do. Now, this is all very well and good when it comes to most things but in relationships another person is involved and so my plan isn't always their plan. It makes for fun viewing if you happen to be that fly that lives on the wall that we all wish we could be.
So what I have to realise is that when things aren't going to my plan, wish list, vision board, photo wall, shrine or billboard that there is no need to panic. Maybe this is actually the plan. For me to take a step back and let things happen of their own accord. That's right folks suddenly the super obsessive, anal retentive, control freak (me) has to sit there and do NOTHING! (I am having a minor breakdown as I write this because doing nothing wasn't actually in my vocabulary before this blog.)
Decided doing nothing looks a little like this: buy as many canned goods as possible as if I am "going to the mattresses," buy all seasons of Gilmore Girls for distraction and get subscription to wine delivery so don't have to leave house. Doing nothing actually sounds like fun.
Feel great now that Universe is in "charge" of next stage of life and the adventures of Paula. Now Universe can I just make some small requests? If I can just pick the genre of my next adventure that would be lovely. My fav's are horror's, thrillers, disaster flicks, anything with killer sharks in it, horses would also be good, romantic comedies are just silly, Adrien Brody can make an appearance, can it be set in the time of Jack the Ripper so I can find out who he was...
What's that? 
I am being controlling? 
Now listen here Universe if this is going to work out you are going to have to listen to me. 
Where are you going? 
Don't walk out on me!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

New Day

Just sitting here wondering what the day will bring. Maybe today will be the day where something new and exciting happens. Maybe today will be my 'one second rule'.
Maybe today will be like that for someone else. If you could have one thing happen today that you really wanted, what would it be? Could today be the day?
I sound like I am on Oprah, it is true, but for good reason - plan is to be on Oprah before she retires. Not sure how that is going to eventuate but it is on my vision board and therefore must come true. Be great if I was also on the show with Adrien Brody and he wanted to re-enact kiss with Halle Berry at Academy Awards. I would most happily oblige all in the name of being a good guest on Oprah. (Maybe Adrien will fall madly in love with me after kiss and become my Prince...better check his star sign to make sure we are compatible before accepting proposal.)
Now, not quite sure if all of this will happen today but figure I can always put Adrien Brody film on and kiss TV and get a life size cardboard cut out of Oprah and she can join me on the couch and tell me I am having a 'lightbulb moment'.
Looks like dreams do come true!
Hope it is a one second kind of day for you all too...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Back to the Drawing Board

Okay so after a few days of being 'live' and available on the worldwide web I have to say it is not for me. Now don't get me wrong, after I actually got my questionnaire right and my matches were actually matches, it seemed all systems go.
Lots of matches, lots of lovely men, the 'getting to know you' process was simple and not overwhelming and yet there was just something missing...
I think the real problem is me. I am not ready for a Prince just yet. It was nice to put it out there but if I am going to go on dates with men who want to get married and have kids then I should be serious about that. Suddenly feel very grown up.
Reality is that heart is still healing and not ready for anything new right now. Yes we had a 'heart to mouth' conversation last night and the verdict was in: a new scenario is to be created.
Heart, mouth and I brainstormed all night and came up with the best way to meet Prince and give heart time to heal.
Getting carpenters in today to build top level balcony, plan to grow hair very long (or get extensions or maybe even rope). Will sing "One Day my Prince will come" all day long while knitting (back up for hair plan if extensions or rope don't work) and wait for my Prince to rescue me from self-created hell.
I am so clever. This is a much better idea than internet dating.
As well as knitting may write Dating Advice book for woman. Genius.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Doing the Timewarp

Okay, so looking for Prince is not as easy I thought.
Went to work and rather than saying, "Have a nice day!" I said, "So are you single?" Didn't seem to go too well and boss gave me a talking to.
Back to drawing board or more like back to something I have been putting off since its inception...internet dating.
Never been a big fan. Never really understood it ( and still don't!) Yet for millions of people around the world it is the only way they date.
So have decided to get with the times and jump online.
First decision: which dating site to go with. Too many for my liking and almost talked myself out of it at this point.
Finally decided on site that seemed to be tailored to finding your compatible match rather than any Tom, Dick or Harry being able to get in touch with you. (Although truth be told if Tom, Dick or Harry are cute and ride black stallion then please call me.)
Took me over an hour to fill out my questionnaire about myself. Felt like I was back at school and I wondered if I could fail my own questionnaire? Lucky they had sample answers and they seemed pretty good, so went with those - not sure if that would classify as cheating but this is very serious business and don't want to make any mistakes.
Second decision: choosing photos. Oh dear, this is quite stressful. Finding Prince relies on good photo. Found great one of me ten years ago looking young and fabulous. Perfect!
Signed up and opened bottle of red wine and waited for Princes to arrive into my inbox. How fabulous that I don't even have to get out of my pyjamas to date. Suddenly get appeal of dating over internet!
Matches started arriving in quick succession (I am like sooooo popular!)
Start looking at profiles and think there must be a mistake. All matches are over 50, have three children or more, smoke and drink many times a day.
Oh dear. Wonder where I went wrong, then realise cheating on questionnaire has consequences.
Have to redo questionnaire, but am pleased that have now drunk whole bottle of wine, so surely answers will be much better this time!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Quest Begins

Okay so search for Prince begins. Not sure what I am looking for or how Prince will suddenly appear but if I am going to be honest I would say riding up on a big black stallion would be enough for me to accept marriage instantly.
Think of all possible ways to meet new Prince and start by looking up all horse riding schools and seeing if any single guys are riding black horses. It was a big fail but was told I could bring something to pin up on notice board. Not quite sure if they understood my request, as can't imagine me posting note that has "Single Girl seeks Single Guy. Must ride black stallion and be a Prince of some kind." Then Prince's can rip off my phone number and give me a call. Maybe I should be age specific on notice, as imagine there are many boys or teenagers who think they are Prince's and own black horse (although being a cougar sounds fun).
Thought of asking friends to set me up but realise they haven't done that in all of my single years, so maybe I am not "setting up" material (wonder if big butt has anything to do with this? Must work on first impression skills with big butt today).
Might trawl the bars this weekend, although the thought of that makes me sick and honestly who could be bothered. Real problem will be me making fool of myself as I drink too much red wine, spilling most of it on cleavage revealing top and big butt will want to make a special appearance and do a dance and for some reason big butt only likes dancing on tables. Never know though, maybe there are some Prince's who may like that kind of confidence.
Thinking next step is at work put on name badge "Hi my name is Paula, I am single, like pizza and marathons and am available to nice single Prince."
Not too desperate at all.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Cool Runnings

Yesterday was the infamous marathon and I must say that I felt very sad about not being there. It came as a surprise that I actually wanted to do the marathon and even big butt was feeling blue.
I realise that I didn't have to be so melodramatic about not being able to do the marathon and break up with you but don't we always break up with someone at all the wrong moments?
Now I wasn't clear on why I couldn't do the marathon - I blame it on the break up - and it is not very exciting at see I got a new job and I was rostered on to work and couldn't get out of it. Should have probably created a much better reason for you all huh? Guess I am out of juice.
So here I am saying that I am officially back. I will continue to train (torturing big butt more to the point) and will continue to rant on about my life.
The next plan is to get my book published, so now that we are back together if you could help me with this process that would be great.
I also plan to find a new Prince. That should keep us all amused for many blogs to come.
Time to get action plan into place.
First step...
Get out of pyjamas. (Why I am not sure, just seems like a good start!)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The End of the Affair

Dear Reader,
It is with a heavy heart and lack of words that I have to tell you something. Let me start by saying it is not you, it is me. We have had a great relationship and have so much in common yet I just can't give you what you want.
Now please don't get upset, I am not breaking up with you completely and of course I want to remain "friends". It is just that the way we are headed with our relationship is not what I had in mind and therefore things must change. Again let me say it is not you, it is all me!
Work has become a priority and as such I have had to let a few things go and one of those things is the marathon and my relationship to you. If you just give me some time I am sure I will be able to change and make myself into the person you want me to be and in the mean time I hope we can still remain friends.
We will all still be here (big butt included) and one day I hope I can give you what you want, which is me doing my marathon, but for now I just can't commit to that future (plus I heard there is a great Bat Cave I need to try and find if I can find a man to give me a map).
I think you are amazing but right now you deserve someone better than me. I am sorry I can not be that person.
So even though I said we can be friends can you please give me as long as I need to process this information (may be years, so please be patient and wait for my contact...any other forms of contact will be deemed as obsession and stalking, as I dictate the rules and what is right and wrong behaviour - so if I want to contact you I am immune from all stalking charges). I hope this is clear as my "recovery" from this traumatic decision - even though the decision was mine - will take some time and all your inevitable stalking will just delay the process.
I leave you with this long kiss (and a grab on the ass - just incase you weren't confused already) and hope you can follow all the rules that I have requested and all the rules I have not requested, as I expect you to know exactly what I am thinking at all times.
Once again, I want you to know you are just amazing but I just can't give you what you want.
Always yours, Paula xx

P.S: So just to confirm you are perfect in every way, except for the fact that work has got in the way of my marathon and so I of course must blame you for that.
P.P.S: Wow suddenly feel much better now...hope you do too! :)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

One Second Rule

Sometimes life gets you down. One event or a series of events can make you feel like all hope is lost. The reason I bring it up is because this is exactly how I have been feeling this week (lucky I have a blog to be self indulgent on huh?!)
Maybe it is because I haven't done much training, with starting a new job and still having the blisters from hell, or maybe because my heart got re-broken twice in one week. I have a feeling it is the latter somehow, don't you? Like no training is going to get me down!
So the question for me is not when to let go but when to give up hope. Without hope that one day, when you least expect it, you will get what you want and in that second life will change. That is all it takes, one second. We may wait a lifetime but when it happens it is instantaneous. A phone call, a knock at the door, an email or while out shopping when you look your worst and there they are...and suddenly, just like that, life falls back into place.
So what if you know that that will happen one day but you are ready RIGHT NOW! Yeah tough one huh??!! And if you thought I was here to answer that question then you are very much mistaken...all the advice I have for you is get a hobby, eat vanilla ice-cream with sprinkles (for some reason this is working for me right now!) Read a book, watch a movie and most importantly don't wait for something to happen. Live the life you want while you are waiting for the "real one" to begin, you never know what may creep up and bite you on the ass - in a good way of course!
So in my vanilla ice-cream and sprinkles coma I choose to continue to hope, even if it may mean I am delusional, and I know that one day, when I least expect it, I will get my one second and what a second it will be.

(Note to self: When this one second happens try and refrain from sticking out tongue and saying to doubting Thomas's, "Ner ner na ner ner".)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Holy Blisters, Batman!

Yeah, it is true. I have blisters. Replacement running shoes are also out to pasture and brand new expert running shoes have been purchased. Only problem is blisters are so bad from replacement running shoes there has been no training for last three days (silent cheer!) that must mean we get to talk about other goings on.
I will not talk about the crazy weekend that was (and guest appearance by everyone's favourite Prince) but instead I want to go "into the cave".
Men know of the cave - as they are frequent visitors - and woman know of the cave because we have to wait patiently for our men to come out.
First official recordings of the cave were not in prehistoric cave men times as might be presumed (as woman lived in these caves as well - hence why men had to hit their woman over the head - as they never had any "quiet time"). No, first official "man cave time" can be found in the Bible, where Jesus had to go to the cave for three days. His resurrection was a miracle for many reasons, one of which was he was a changed man.
Woman started putting their own men in caves for three days to see if maybe the miracle could be repeated and their men could also change and low and behold it seemed to work. Women got answers and men got a much needed break. It truly was a miracle that has kept relationships in tact for years to come.
The formula is the same in present day, except men go willingly to their cave (and in fact seem to like it more than our company half of the time) but no matter, it is now part of our world - like walking.
Sure when our men go to the cave it can be frustrating and we need answers (now!) but rest assured our men will always emerge and even with answers - it is a miracle!
In modern day, the cave has changed slightly and so instead of waiting three days we may have to wait months, even years, to get an answer (and they wonder why woman invented stalking!) The reason for the change in processing time is because the "cave" men go to is actually the Bat Cave - where Batman also goes to process and come out the other side a new man. This would explain why men need to keep going back to the cave on a regular basis, even if it is to answer a simple question like, "Would you like toast or cereal for breakfast?"
With all of those Bat Toys to play with and look at it, is no wonder the cave is a great place to be. It is also no wonder that men can spend months in there, we think they are processing when in fact they are playing with Batarangs, Bat Bombs and the Bat Goo Gun.
Ladies just leave them in there and let them play. It is the only time they get to be a super hero and let's not ruin their fun.
Didn't you always want to go and learn the tango in Argentina? (And alone is the only way to do that.) Quick. Run. Fly. Dance. You have plenty of time. The Bat mobile will keep him amused while you are looking into the eyes of your Latin dance instructor.
That way we won't seem to mind them being in the cave and we know they always come out better men and with the answers to the tough questions.
"Toast will be fine."

(Note to self: Find Poison Ivy outfit and wear next time man is in the cave. Batarangs are no match for Poison Ivy.)