Sunday, December 4, 2011

Light Entertainment

Some days when you are single you look at other couples and wish it was you.
Today though was not that day.
I was trying to work when I heard someone yelling. Then there was a loud crash. Of course I was curious and looked through my blinds out of the window. Down below was a crying girl, surrounded by her toiletries while a Wilmer Valderrama look-alike sat in his black sports car looking bored.
The gist of the story was this. He had gone to Stereosonic the night before and hadn't called her to "check in". Instead he had sent her a text saying Have a good night. This was not acceptable to her and she therefore concluded that he had gone home with someone else. From the look of him and his smug face I would say she was onto something there.
Wish I knew why she was surrounded by her toiletries but I had come into what would be a three hour epic too late.
After settling in for the long haul with popcorn and beer (work could wait) I went through the emotions with them. I willed her to walk away, then when he got out of the car and hugged her, I wanted them to make up, she resisted, he got back in the car, she cried, he didn't flinch, I willed her to walk away again.
This was better than anything that was on Sunday TV.
Did I feel bad for sitting on my kitchen bench and watching them? Well momentarily, yes of course but then I looked up and saw the two boys living across from me doing the same thing. They also had beer and we did cheers from our vantage points.
At times I got bored and wondered why they hadn't walked or driven away (what I would have done by now) or made up and had a nap instead of sex because what they were doing was exhausting.
In the end they agreed with me and sat on the ground, head in hands, with nothing left to say.
I figured I owed them one (for A: giving me good grounds for work procrastination and B: making me wonder if I did actually want that date that I have been coveting after all) and did what any good neighbour would do: I put the kettle on.
That's right, I went out and brought them each a nice cup of tea.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Too much information

There is one place I love to visit when I am in a bookstore (and that's if you can find a bookstore anymore).
There is a magical world called "Self Help." Yep, I am a fan. After all who wouldn't want to help themselves given the chance? I also love seeing the company I keep in this wonderful aisle - or more like aisles given the amount of "self" help we now need in the world.
I have my own floor to ceiling library in my house where I have a wide variety of books, all anal retentively categorised and you guessed it I have many shelves of self help goodness.
I bring this up because recently I have had to revisit this section and consult the bibles of any girl's life. He's Not That into You, Mars and Venus on a Date, The Five Love Languages and just for good measure The Secret.
I just need to remind myself that no matter what - wait for him to make the first move. No matter what - don't call. No matter what - be everything you can be just not yourself. I've decided these books are just here to confuse us, taunt us and remind us woman that unless a guy calls us then we may as well forget any hope of ever having a boyfriend. Honestly, I am concerned about breathing in case of scaring all those potential guys away.
I guess the real question here is why have I had to pull out all of my mind f**k books anyway? Yes good bloody question. Could it be that I acted ridiculously towards a boy then needed to reaffirm it via books written about girls just like me?
Here's the thing. Everything I could have done wrong in the world of boys, I did recently. Yep, I told him I liked him first, I called first and I am so busy worrying about what I can't do that I stuff it up and do it anyway.
Is it any wonder he hasn't asked me out on a date yet?
I have decided to write my own book entitled How to give 100% to being a Loser, without getting off the couch.
John Gray eat your Mars and Venus heart out.