Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cruising for a Bruising Part Four

Well crisis averted. Ugly multiple went away (cocktails help) and in stepped congo line dancing personality. Only problem with congo dancing personality is when it tries to start its own congo line and there is no one else behind. No problem, couple of old crusty men happy to oblige. Sometimes you have to let them cop a feel, might be the last of their life.
So now that I am back and dancing, reality is cruise is drawing to an end. Last day at port and off in VIP helicopter ride. Called shotgun before anyone else and had best view of the dolphins and lighthouses, also lots of water –which was very pretty.
Brother got me a new necklace for my upcoming B’day to represent new beginnings and prosperity. Not sure which will come first but keep asking him if the new beginning has started yet and have a feeling I am driving him crazy.
I am persistent and can keep this up for as long as it takes, at least until I get the new beginning I am looking for. Hoping I may finally get to be Wonder Woman or even Snow White will work.
Only have two more days to consume as much pizza as I can. I have a feeling after all that congo line dancing I will do okay. Tonight is variety night so may get up and do some dancing for the passengers. I have been practising my jazz hands and step ball change and hopefully I can find a nice tutu to wear.  Cellulite is abundant on the cruise, so figure it is nothing anyone hasn’t seen before.
Failing that I can just pose and be the fat lady. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cruising for a Bruising Part Three

Only a few more days now and I will be back onshore permanently. Might be able to walk without swaying all over the place, which will be nice.
Went out shopping with the crew today. Leo left and went back to where Italian Gods are made. Some would say that I am melancholy because of that but I know that is not true, after all one does not spend their lives with Italian Gods and he was way too pretty for me.
No, the reality is that no matter where you are in the world you have no choice but to take yourself with you. Sure I would love to leave the yucky part of me at home, to have its own holiday and maybe brighten up but unfortunately that is not life and me and all my multiples come with me.
It is days like this that the pizza does not taste as good, that all films make you sad and seem to be made about your life and that even the brightest sun seems to have too much of a glare.
It is usually the action of one that can send you into the abyss and today is no different. It is my own stupid fault really. It is what happens when you try and be brave and say what you think and hope that maybe this time will be different. One day it will be but not today.
Bet you're glad you jumped onto my blog today huh?
How about I jump in the shower and go on another roller coaster ride? Maybe this time I will fall down the toilet and not only will that be a story for me to blog about but also will be sure to be added to the ship's list of entertainment for today.
May as well laugh at my own expense huh?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Cruising for a Bruising Part Two

So in case you didn't know, food is the most important part of any cruise. Nothing to do? Go eat. Not hungry? Go eat. Yep it is all about the eating. Getting a table is like fighting off a pack of wolves and don't underestimate the lady in the walker...she will beat you every time!
Went to a show the other night and my bro and I left to get popcorn and at the same time as we were about to sit back in our chairs so were another couple.
"Sorry Mate, they are our seats." I say politely and point to the two other chairs on the other side of my Mum.
"Too bad." Was the reply and even though my Mum was now sitting four seats away they were not moving for anyone. Hmmm...karma may be a bitch but so am I. May have to hatch a plan of sweet seat revenge.
Now if you have any kids or are a big kid at heart then best "ride" of the cruise is having a shower. Thought the hand rail was for the oldies but no, once you get in it is a ride of your life as you try and soap up, stay up and not fall into the toilet. Good times.
On the topic of bathrooms, even though our room is the size of a Rubik's cube my Mum still managed to walk in on me - claiming she didn't know where I was. Apart from climbing into the ceiling duct and trying an alternate route to get to Leo on the Bridge, I am not sure where she thought I could possibly be!
Did I mention the pizza is free? So now you know what I do on the ship for most of the day and night. Apparently you put on two pounds a day on a cruise. I plan to put on at least 8. Yes I am daring myself. I always have my sick bag to make room if the need arises. So far I am a pizza eating machine.
Latest news of trip is met the room service boy, Alexander from Serbia. It's all about who you know and not what and imagine the possibilities if I can eat pizza, wear my p.j's and not move from my Rubik's cube as Alexander (yes he is as cute as he sounds) knocks on my door on an hourly basis.
Might change my dare to 10 pounds.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Cruising for a Bruising Part One

Let me start by saying that going on a cruise is not everything it is cracked up to be.
From the moment I checked in with my family, waiting for our number to be called like we were waiting for our parmas to be ready, I realised that I was being stared at. Yes openly stared at. I wondered why. Yes sure I was loud and kept saying to anyone who would listen that when our number was called we would be sent into the mysteriously big room where people disappeared and never returned (and was that a scream?) that we were being sent to be eaten by dinosaurs or worse - sharks. Yes it may have been that but honestly I didn't tell the dinosaur story to everyone and even when our number was called and we went into the big room of terror (customs) and then onto the ship I was still being looked at like I was some sort of rare specimen.
Then I realised I was, in fact, a rare specimen. You see apart from some 7 year olds, I was the youngest person on the ship (and I would like to remind you that I am in fact old). Blue hair, walking frames, fanny packs and cardigans were in abundance. Singles nights on this cruise may not be everything I had hoped.
So we all  shuffled into the theatre to learn what to do in the event of hitting an iceberg (clearly panic because it only took us an hour to get everyone seated in the cinema due to difficulties getting down stairs, so I can only imagine trying to get us into lifeboats!) Not that I can talk I was the only one to put my life jacket on backwards and then proceed to be in hysterics about it for the next ten minutes. Okay maybe this is why everyone was looking at me.
So after realising that there was no hope of having any type of cruise like An Affair to Remember I resigned myself to getting to know the very young and very attractive staff. Goran from Serbia makes my popcorn every night when I watch my movies, Gerardo tops up my water and reminds me that my Spanish is terrible and then there is Leo, the Italian God who lives up on the Bridge and looks like he should be a model and not driving the ship. Will he show me the Bridge one night? No problem! Sigh. Cruise is suddenly looking up.
Problem is the cruise leaves Sydney Harbour and in no time I realise that my car sickness also crosses over into sea sickness and life with Leo on the Bridge is suddenly not looking so good, especially when I am seeing three of him and I need a permanent sick bag attached to my wrist.
Green apples help did you know? So does not being on a cruise.