Cruising for a Bruising Part One

Let me start by saying that going on a cruise is not everything it is cracked up to be.
From the moment I checked in with my family, waiting for our number to be called like we were waiting for our parmas to be ready, I realised that I was being stared at. Yes openly stared at. I wondered why. Yes sure I was loud and kept saying to anyone who would listen that when our number was called we would be sent into the mysteriously big room where people disappeared and never returned (and was that a scream?) that we were being sent to be eaten by dinosaurs or worse - sharks. Yes it may have been that but honestly I didn't tell the dinosaur story to everyone and even when our number was called and we went into the big room of terror (customs) and then onto the ship I was still being looked at like I was some sort of rare specimen.
Then I realised I was, in fact, a rare specimen. You see apart from some 7 year olds, I was the youngest person on the ship (and I would like to remind you that I am in fact old). Blue hair, walking frames, fanny packs and cardigans were in abundance. Singles nights on this cruise may not be everything I had hoped.
So we all  shuffled into the theatre to learn what to do in the event of hitting an iceberg (clearly panic because it only took us an hour to get everyone seated in the cinema due to difficulties getting down stairs, so I can only imagine trying to get us into lifeboats!) Not that I can talk I was the only one to put my life jacket on backwards and then proceed to be in hysterics about it for the next ten minutes. Okay maybe this is why everyone was looking at me.
So after realising that there was no hope of having any type of cruise like An Affair to Remember I resigned myself to getting to know the very young and very attractive staff. Goran from Serbia makes my popcorn every night when I watch my movies, Gerardo tops up my water and reminds me that my Spanish is terrible and then there is Leo, the Italian God who lives up on the Bridge and looks like he should be a model and not driving the ship. Will he show me the Bridge one night? No problem! Sigh. Cruise is suddenly looking up.
Problem is the cruise leaves Sydney Harbour and in no time I realise that my car sickness also crosses over into sea sickness and life with Leo on the Bridge is suddenly not looking so good, especially when I am seeing three of him and I need a permanent sick bag attached to my wrist.
Green apples help did you know? So does not being on a cruise.