What not to do.

Currently on the TV is Sleepless in Seattle where it is New Years Eve which reminds me that I must tell you all about my New Years and how not to be me when you grow up.
No seriously give my blog to your daughters instead of Judy Blume and say to them: be any kind of girl, just not Paula.
Before I get to New Years though I want to ask the blogging cosmos why over the festive season there are so many commercials on internet dating? Is it to remind us that we are alone and if you just jump out of a locker or knock over some paint the man of your dreams will fall in love with you?
Look I tried the knocking over the paint thing today with a street artist (he was cute too) and the guy didn't ask me for my phone number only looked like he was going to punch me in the face. I hung around for a little bit hoping he was a fan of Jackson Pollock and would think I was his muse, instead he threw some green paint at me and asked me to f**k off. Some would say that meant he liked me, I would say that may be true; what is true is that the green paint in my hair brings out my eyes.
So New Years. A single frenzy to be sure. Get drunk, have a good pash - because you can! If any night was made for us single girls it is this one.
So let me tell you what this single girl did.
For starters, I could have gone to the party where the boy that I like (and no he doesn't like me so don't get your hopes up) was and so at the very least I could have used New Years to liquor up, be miraculously by his side and then BAM! we are pashing at midnight. I couldn't have planned it any better unless of course we are talking about reality and not just a fantasy in my head.
I had one of my old high school crushes in town and he was going to the party too. We drank lots of beer, it was hot, I suddenly felt very old and when I should have been getting frocked up and fabulous I made up my mind to pike (not puke people - pike).
My high school crush thought I was ridiculous (and he is right, I was) so to prove I wasn't ridiculous I did what any girl would do and all sweaty and in my trackies I caught the tram and then walked him to the party. That's right ALL the way to the door of the party and then left.
Yes it is true, I am a moron. Any self respecting girl would have looked like a slut, had their girls out and been ready for any word that night except for "no" (or even "na" or "I don't want to").
But no, being the Paula that you have all come to love and scream at I left without so much as a hello to the boy that I like.
So at midnight I was on the tram going home. The tram driver dung the bell for me a couple of times - when I say me it was because I was the only person on the tram - and said "It is New Years now."
"Cheers," I said.
I half pie thought about asking the tram driving for a pash but that came and went, along with my sanity (that may or may not have gone a long time ago).
So the next day I found out that not only was I not brave enough to even say hello to the man I like BUT the party was filled with horror movie filmmakers. I mean seriously...
So New Years Resolutions go like this:

• Eat more pizza - it is my true friend.
• Only love Adrien Brody. 
• I need more self help books.
• Never leave the house again.