Okay so before you get settled into the saga that is my life, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that this post is in fact a sequel to the post below. So be a dear and read that first (unless you are awesome and have done so already, which means you actually read my blog and for that I am very sorry or I am in love with you. You decide.)
So here we are.
Again.
(Look if you skipped the first paragraph because you are lazy then bloody well read it would you!)
Before you accuse me of being insane for going through this again I would like to say that it was all peer pressure and yes Mum I would jump off a cliff because I am part lemming on Dad's side.
So let me catch you up. Wait I have already done that. Twice.
So I agreed to meet Gary* again and not to be fooled, like last time, I was ready for this date. I got a facial, waxed appropriate areas, considered a fake tan and then unconsidered and even washed my hair. I was ready! I also put on some clothes, which is always handy in public.
This date was to be in daylight and whilst you might think that just coffee would be more appropriate, I happened to think that straight vodka may work better. So back to the same pub we went.
I walked in and the whole place looked at me. Yes I was looking sharp.
At this stage I should let you in on a little secret. You see all that waxing and almost tanning was quite frankly because it needed doing and had nothing to do with this date.
Prep that did go into this date was pulling out all of my make-up from high school and choosing my best shade of blue eyeliner and pink eyeshadow and laying it on. Heavily. My lipstick that started out green and turned blue when applied finished the look and I noticed complimented my left elbow quite nicely.
I then crimped my hair, did a side pony tail and put on...well just jeans and a t-shirt (nothing from high school fit).
So what did Gary do when I sat down? He smiled and then a small bit of drool came out of the corner of his mouth.
"Oh Paula! You look amazing! How did you know I love Tiffany? Honestly how good was her song "I Saw Him Standing There?!"
Once again this guy, now formally Gary, had floored me.
"Yes, I love Tiffany too." Truth is that I do and was just a little bit chuffed that I now resembled her. (Google if need be for reference. Done? We progress.)
"So Paula after our last meeting I have to say I have not been able to stop thinking about you. You are definitely one of a kind and now...this..." He touched my crimped hair and I wondered if maybe I should have told someone about our second meeting time and location.
"Yes well, I too have been thinking about you quite a lot but I have a feeling that it may not be for the same reasons."
"Oh Paula, there you go again with your witty repartee. You really are something special."
I could feel my pink eyeshadow moving over into my frown lines as I looked at Gary with worry.
"Well Gary given that this is now our second date and I feel like things are moving really well for us, I think the time has come for me to ask you some questions to see if you are my perfect match. So hope you are up for it."
"Paula I think that anything less would be a crime." (Umm...okay.)
Did I mention when I walked in I bought six straight vodkas and was now up to my fifth? No. Well now you know, so stop feeling so neglected.
I needed them for what was to come. You see I was prepared this time!
I opened up my list and began.
"So Gary you are in a snow storm..."
"Paula I am going to stop you right there. Are you sure there is a storm already? I mean don't I mention the storm if that is what I feel?"
"Gary I am going to stop you right there. These are questions that I am pulling out of my ass and means absolutely nothing whatsoever to anything. So should I continue?"
There was a momentary flash of confusion and then it was gone. "You must go on Paula. It is our destiny that you go on."
I was not to be deterred by this hiccup to my plan so I continued.
"So you are in a SNOW STORM and you see Yoda and Luke and they are cutting open one of those creatures from the Empire Strikes Back to live in and maybe start a family and then you see a slip 'n slide and must decide if A. You are allergic to belly buttons or B. Choose bachelor #2."
"So I must choose between A or B, is that the test?"
"No there is also a C but the only way to know C is to never speak to me again."
He thinks. He ponders. A few people take photos of me and I smile to be polite.
"So what happens if I pick the wrong one?"
"Then we can't see each other anymore."
"Oh, then I pick none of them. I don't like this test. I don't even know if it is a real test."
"Then you lose Gary."
"Wait! Let me hear the options again. I can get this right."
"I am sorry Gary but the correct answer was D."
"D?"
"Yes D is for drunk and that is me. If I stay any longer I may just find you attractive and no doubt when I blog about you all my friends will cheer and want me to see you again and bloody hell there may even be an E, which is we are perfect for each other and I don't wanna!"
No really. I don't wanna. So don't make me.
(*I thought Gary would be a good name because his name is actually Gary)
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