Just like Ted Bundy

So because I am a producer I often get people sending me scripts or pitching me projects. Everyone has a good idea but just needs someone to do all the hard work and make it happen (producer).
So when a friend of a friend wanted me to meet their mate to discuss a potential project I didn't say no because my friend is a good one and it involved free beer, so I was in.
So I arrive at the pub and the guy I am meeting was already there. As he stands to say hello I notice he is shorter than me (which is fine by me as I love South American men and they are always short), he looks like he could be a cast member on The Big Bang Theory and looks through me like he can see my underwear (I am pretty sure there was no lace bras and there may or may not have been a sparkly inscription on my ass that said JUICY).
So after waiting for him to buy the beer, which he had promised, and none was forthcoming I decided to go and get us a jug to share. I then started my small talk before I planned to launch into what his project was about and then make a quick exit and go and make love to my pyjamas.
Only none of my "usual" forms of engagement were working. As the first thing he says is:
"So thanks for meeting me on this date. I am really surprised you were interested in meeting me, even after seeing my photo."
I took a huge gulp of beer, tried to get my thoughts together and before I could say, I think maybe I am in an alternate universe where this isn't happening, he is off again.
"So I managed to get who you are and what you are about from your friend ***** (I will not mention my friend's name as I now have a hit out on them and I do not want this blog to be put into evidence) and **** said that you are well and truly single and may even be a bit desperate. So this is where I come in as I am also a bit desperate."
By now I am nodding because I am in shock and have drunk not only my glass that was full of beer but the glass that I poured after that.
"I think maybe there is some confusion because yes I am desperate but usually that desperation is for pizza and not men. After all pizza is far more satisfying than men." I laugh, not just because I may be a tad drunk but because I am also quite funny.
He does not laugh but looks at me like I am in an Attenborough doco.
So I continue, "I thought we were meeting about a project you were developing, not for a date. I think there may be some confusion."
"I saw your photo on my friend's Facebook and thought we should connect. It was my idea to make it a business meeting as I thought maybe a date might freak you out."
"How kind of you and yes I am a tad freaked out."
"So Paula I only have a few questions for you and then I can ascertain if in fact we can move on in this relationship."
Yes I should have left but there was beer left and I love questions and hoped it would be like a trivia night and there would be more beer if I "won".
"So you are walking through a desert and you come across a cube. What does this cube look like and please be specific."
I must admit I thought of a Rubik Cube but I had a feeling this may have been the correct answer so I said, "I see a cube that is made of pizza. It is margarita pizza and there are holes everywhere from where I have been snacking due to me being in a desert and for sure I am hungry."
His face gives me nothing.
"So now there is a ladder. What does it look like and where is it?"
"Well when I think of ladder I think of Jack and the Beanstalk and how that must have been the coolest and biggest ladder ever. I think my ladder is going through my cube for extra support. Actually can I have two ladders as the Magic Faraway Tree was also like a ladder and there was magical lands when you climbed it and of course there was Moon Face. Gotta love Moon Face."
He ponders this and proceeds but not before I grab his beer that he is clearly not going to drink and I need more than him.
"So there is a horse..."
I cut him off. "I LOVE horses!"
"Yes okay Paula but please give a serious answer."
I am now officially drunk and can't quite see him properly but the idea of horses makes me happy and I don't want to stuff this answer up because it is about horses.
"There is a horse in the desert now, so please tell me what it looks like."
"Oh that is easy. If it is in the desert then it is the Black Stallion and I am the boy from the Black Stallion and I ride him bare back, the horse not the boy. The Black Stallion only loves me and won't let anyone else but me on him."
"Okay Paula, that is great. There is two more questions about storms and flowers but I don't think I need to ask you anymore."
"That's good because flowers are a tad boring and storms are only good if you are living in a house with a tin shed. So did I pass?" I say (slur).
"You don't pass this test Paula but it does tell me a lot about you. You see the cube represents you, the ladder represents your friends and the horse represents your ideal partner. You are a very intriguing person Paula and I am not quite clear what your answers mean or if in fact we are right for each other."
I have to say I feel a tad disappointed I have not won more beer.
"So now I have to leave you while I decide if we should meet again and maybe mate."
As he leaves I wonder if he did actually say "mate" or I have drunk too much beer.
So the next day I get a text message that reads:
Dear Paula. Thank u 4 our date. It was most interesting. Upon reflection and with professional council I have decided u r either a serial killer or my perfect match. I happen to think u r my perfect match and will meet u again at arranged time to follow.
For the first time in my life I decided that being a serial killer wouldn't be so bad and so I will now be killing kittens in my spare time.
The alternative is a lot more daunting.
FML.