What not to do.

Currently on the TV is Sleepless in Seattle where it is New Years Eve which reminds me that I must tell you all about my New Years and how not to be me when you grow up.
No seriously give my blog to your daughters instead of Judy Blume and say to them: be any kind of girl, just not Paula.
Before I get to New Years though I want to ask the blogging cosmos why over the festive season there are so many commercials on internet dating? Is it to remind us that we are alone and if you just jump out of a locker or knock over some paint the man of your dreams will fall in love with you?
Look I tried the knocking over the paint thing today with a street artist (he was cute too) and the guy didn't ask me for my phone number only looked like he was going to punch me in the face. I hung around for a little bit hoping he was a fan of Jackson Pollock and would think I was his muse, instead he threw some green paint at me and asked me to f**k off. Some would say that meant he liked me, I would say that may be true; what is true is that the green paint in my hair brings out my eyes.
So New Years. A single frenzy to be sure. Get drunk, have a good pash - because you can! If any night was made for us single girls it is this one.
So let me tell you what this single girl did.
For starters, I could have gone to the party where the boy that I like (and no he doesn't like me so don't get your hopes up) was and so at the very least I could have used New Years to liquor up, be miraculously by his side and then BAM! we are pashing at midnight. I couldn't have planned it any better unless of course we are talking about reality and not just a fantasy in my head.
I had one of my old high school crushes in town and he was going to the party too. We drank lots of beer, it was hot, I suddenly felt very old and when I should have been getting frocked up and fabulous I made up my mind to pike (not puke people - pike).
My high school crush thought I was ridiculous (and he is right, I was) so to prove I wasn't ridiculous I did what any girl would do and all sweaty and in my trackies I caught the tram and then walked him to the party. That's right ALL the way to the door of the party and then left.
Yes it is true, I am a moron. Any self respecting girl would have looked like a slut, had their girls out and been ready for any word that night except for "no" (or even "na" or "I don't want to").
But no, being the Paula that you have all come to love and scream at I left without so much as a hello to the boy that I like.
So at midnight I was on the tram going home. The tram driver dung the bell for me a couple of times - when I say me it was because I was the only person on the tram - and said "It is New Years now."
"Cheers," I said.
I half pie thought about asking the tram driving for a pash but that came and went, along with my sanity (that may or may not have gone a long time ago).
So the next day I found out that not only was I not brave enough to even say hello to the man I like BUT the party was filled with horror movie filmmakers. I mean seriously...
So New Years Resolutions go like this:

• Eat more pizza - it is my true friend.
• Only love Adrien Brody. 
• I need more self help books.
• Never leave the house again.

Light Entertainment

Some days when you are single you look at other couples and wish it was you.
Today though was not that day.
I was trying to work when I heard someone yelling. Then there was a loud crash. Of course I was curious and looked through my blinds out of the window. Down below was a crying girl, surrounded by her toiletries while a Wilmer Valderrama look-alike sat in his black sports car looking bored.
The gist of the story was this. He had gone to Stereosonic the night before and hadn't called her to "check in". Instead he had sent her a text saying Have a good night. This was not acceptable to her and she therefore concluded that he had gone home with someone else. From the look of him and his smug face I would say she was onto something there.
Wish I knew why she was surrounded by her toiletries but I had come into what would be a three hour epic too late.
After settling in for the long haul with popcorn and beer (work could wait) I went through the emotions with them. I willed her to walk away, then when he got out of the car and hugged her, I wanted them to make up, she resisted, he got back in the car, she cried, he didn't flinch, I willed her to walk away again.
This was better than anything that was on Sunday TV.
Did I feel bad for sitting on my kitchen bench and watching them? Well momentarily, yes of course but then I looked up and saw the two boys living across from me doing the same thing. They also had beer and we did cheers from our vantage points.
At times I got bored and wondered why they hadn't walked or driven away (what I would have done by now) or made up and had a nap instead of sex because what they were doing was exhausting.
In the end they agreed with me and sat on the ground, head in hands, with nothing left to say.
I figured I owed them one (for A: giving me good grounds for work procrastination and B: making me wonder if I did actually want that date that I have been coveting after all) and did what any good neighbour would do: I put the kettle on.
That's right, I went out and brought them each a nice cup of tea.

Too much information

There is one place I love to visit when I am in a bookstore (and that's if you can find a bookstore anymore).
There is a magical world called "Self Help." Yep, I am a fan. After all who wouldn't want to help themselves given the chance? I also love seeing the company I keep in this wonderful aisle - or more like aisles given the amount of "self" help we now need in the world.
I have my own floor to ceiling library in my house where I have a wide variety of books, all anal retentively categorised and you guessed it I have many shelves of self help goodness.
I bring this up because recently I have had to revisit this section and consult the bibles of any girl's life. He's Not That into You, Mars and Venus on a Date, The Five Love Languages and just for good measure The Secret.
I just need to remind myself that no matter what - wait for him to make the first move. No matter what - don't call. No matter what - be everything you can be just not yourself. I've decided these books are just here to confuse us, taunt us and remind us woman that unless a guy calls us then we may as well forget any hope of ever having a boyfriend. Honestly, I am concerned about breathing in case of scaring all those potential guys away.
I guess the real question here is why have I had to pull out all of my mind f**k books anyway? Yes good bloody question. Could it be that I acted ridiculously towards a boy then needed to reaffirm it via books written about girls just like me?
Here's the thing. Everything I could have done wrong in the world of boys, I did recently. Yep, I told him I liked him first, I called first and I am so busy worrying about what I can't do that I stuff it up and do it anyway.
Is it any wonder he hasn't asked me out on a date yet?
I have decided to write my own book entitled How to give 100% to being a Loser, without getting off the couch.
John Gray eat your Mars and Venus heart out.

Cruising for a Bruising Part Four

Well crisis averted. Ugly multiple went away (cocktails help) and in stepped congo line dancing personality. Only problem with congo dancing personality is when it tries to start its own congo line and there is no one else behind. No problem, couple of old crusty men happy to oblige. Sometimes you have to let them cop a feel, might be the last of their life.

So now that I am back and dancing, reality is cruise is drawing to an end. Last day at port and off in VIP helicopter ride. Called shotgun before anyone else and had best view of the dolphins and lighthouses, also lots of water –which was very pretty.

Brother got me a new necklace for my upcoming B’day to represent new beginnings and prosperity. Not sure which will come first but keep asking him if the new beginning has started yet and have a feeling I am driving him crazy.

I am persistent and can keep this up for as long as it takes, at least until I get the new beginning I am looking for. Hoping I may finally get to be Wonder Woman or even Snow White will work.

Only have two more days to consume as much pizza as I can. I have a feeling after all that congo line dancing I will do okay. Tonight is variety night so may get up and do some dancing for the passengers. I have been practising my jazz hands and step ball change and hopefully I can find a nice tutu to wear.  Cellulite is abundant on the cruise, so figure it is nothing anyone hasn’t seen before.

Failing that I can just pose and be the fat lady. 

Cruising for a Bruising Part Three

Only a few more days now and I will be back onshore permanently. Might be able to walk without swaying all over the place, which will be nice.
Went out shopping with the crew today. Leo left and went back to where Italian Gods are made. Some would say that I am melancholy because of that but I know that is not true, after all one does not spend their lives with Italian Gods and he was way too pretty for me.
No, the reality is that no matter where you are in the world you have no choice but to take yourself with you. Sure I would love to leave the yucky part of me at home, to have its own holiday and maybe brighten up but unfortunately that is not life and me and all my multiples come with me.
It is days like this that the pizza does not taste as good, that all films make you sad and seem to be made about your life and that even the brightest sun seems to have too much of a glare.
It is usually the action of one that can send you into the abyss and today is no different. It is my own stupid fault really. It is what happens when you try and be brave and say what you think and hope that maybe this time will be different. One day it will be but not today.
Bet you're glad you jumped onto my blog today huh?
How about I jump in the shower and go on another roller coaster ride? Maybe this time I will fall down the toilet and not only will that be a story for me to blog about but also will be sure to be added to the ship's list of entertainment for today.
May as well laugh at my own expense huh?

Cruising for a Bruising Part Two

So in case you didn't know, food is the most important part of any cruise. Nothing to do? Go eat. Not hungry? Go eat. Yep it is all about the eating. Getting a table is like fighting off a pack of wolves and don't underestimate the lady in the walker...she will beat you every time!
Went to a show the other night and my bro and I left to get popcorn and at the same time as we were about to sit back in our chairs so were another couple.
"Sorry Mate, they are our seats." I say politely and point to the two other chairs on the other side of my Mum.
"Too bad." Was the reply and even though my Mum was now sitting four seats away they were not moving for anyone. Hmmm...karma may be a bitch but so am I. May have to hatch a plan of sweet seat revenge.
Now if you have any kids or are a big kid at heart then best "ride" of the cruise is having a shower. Thought the hand rail was for the oldies but no, once you get in it is a ride of your life as you try and soap up, stay up and not fall into the toilet. Good times.
On the topic of bathrooms, even though our room is the size of a Rubik's cube my Mum still managed to walk in on me - claiming she didn't know where I was. Apart from climbing into the ceiling duct and trying an alternate route to get to Leo on the Bridge, I am not sure where she thought I could possibly be!
Did I mention the pizza is free? So now you know what I do on the ship for most of the day and night. Apparently you put on two pounds a day on a cruise. I plan to put on at least 8. Yes I am daring myself. I always have my sick bag to make room if the need arises. So far I am a pizza eating machine.
Latest news of trip is met the room service boy, Alexander from Serbia. It's all about who you know and not what and imagine the possibilities if I can eat pizza, wear my p.j's and not move from my Rubik's cube as Alexander (yes he is as cute as he sounds) knocks on my door on an hourly basis.
Might change my dare to 10 pounds.

Cruising for a Bruising Part One

Let me start by saying that going on a cruise is not everything it is cracked up to be.
From the moment I checked in with my family, waiting for our number to be called like we were waiting for our parmas to be ready, I realised that I was being stared at. Yes openly stared at. I wondered why. Yes sure I was loud and kept saying to anyone who would listen that when our number was called we would be sent into the mysteriously big room where people disappeared and never returned (and was that a scream?) that we were being sent to be eaten by dinosaurs or worse - sharks. Yes it may have been that but honestly I didn't tell the dinosaur story to everyone and even when our number was called and we went into the big room of terror (customs) and then onto the ship I was still being looked at like I was some sort of rare specimen.
Then I realised I was, in fact, a rare specimen. You see apart from some 7 year olds, I was the youngest person on the ship (and I would like to remind you that I am in fact old). Blue hair, walking frames, fanny packs and cardigans were in abundance. Singles nights on this cruise may not be everything I had hoped.
So we all  shuffled into the theatre to learn what to do in the event of hitting an iceberg (clearly panic because it only took us an hour to get everyone seated in the cinema due to difficulties getting down stairs, so I can only imagine trying to get us into lifeboats!) Not that I can talk I was the only one to put my life jacket on backwards and then proceed to be in hysterics about it for the next ten minutes. Okay maybe this is why everyone was looking at me.
So after realising that there was no hope of having any type of cruise like An Affair to Remember I resigned myself to getting to know the very young and very attractive staff. Goran from Serbia makes my popcorn every night when I watch my movies, Gerardo tops up my water and reminds me that my Spanish is terrible and then there is Leo, the Italian God who lives up on the Bridge and looks like he should be a model and not driving the ship. Will he show me the Bridge one night? No problem! Sigh. Cruise is suddenly looking up.
Problem is the cruise leaves Sydney Harbour and in no time I realise that my car sickness also crosses over into sea sickness and life with Leo on the Bridge is suddenly not looking so good, especially when I am seeing three of him and I need a permanent sick bag attached to my wrist.
Green apples help did you know? So does not being on a cruise.